I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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