just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
