Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
