His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
