I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
