jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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