On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
