my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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