I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
