I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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