just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
