Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
