yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
