the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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