We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
