Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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