There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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