so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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