i would punch a child for taco bell
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
