i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
