Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
