Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
