tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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