i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
