My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
one two three fourrrrnication!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
