I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
