I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
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You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
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Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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