When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
