my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
