her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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