You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
