I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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