Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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