Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had sex on a roof
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
