turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
