I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
