Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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