I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
