I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
