After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
