No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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