From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
