So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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