Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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