Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
