Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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