what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
