she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
