Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
