If that was your dad, he is hot
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
