did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
