I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
