We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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