i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Damn victory sex feels great
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
